tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
