Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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