Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this just has baby written all over it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
