Nicole vs. Life
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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