This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize