i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
