If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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