Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
