I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize