i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
