Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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