If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
