If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
