she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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