Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
