I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
