I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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