I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
