I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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