oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
