my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
