She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
