Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
