I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
