I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
