last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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