The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
