I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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