Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
