So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
