my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
