So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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