she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
