did you get engaged???
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
