I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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