Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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