Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
