ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
