Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
