Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
