I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
