He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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