I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
