Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
