I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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