He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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