exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
