he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
