Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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