The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
