Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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