Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
