you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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