He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
