My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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